There's been a little bit of time pass since my glorious trip. I was on such a high. The earth opened up. Seas were parted. Things turned to gold. Then I came home.
I came home to grocery store shopping, dog walking, closet cleaning, and cat feeding. I came home to my real life, and writing seemed hard. The trip and the new life seemed like it was fingertips away. But since I have been home- I am not so sure. I have let doubt sift into my brain, and my non action is evidence of this.
It's amazing how so few words can take away such huge actions. I mean- I drove almost 6000 miles for a dream. Knocked on the universes door, and it responded with a welcome mat. All of that is good, and lets me believe I am heading in the right direction- but then I get a comment of "..it's a competitive business- you really think you can sell a script?" I hear it every few days, and then I google scripts that have sold, and the far off chances that mine will. This is what I mean about words beating up my amazing actions. It makes me doubt the small miracles that I experienced this last year. But then I am reminded of the quote by my favorite thinker Mark Twain. He said, "To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence!"I've always been pretty good at these two things. Some might say that my confidence is unfounded- but that is where ignorance comes in.
I remember when I bought my house. It was about ten years ago. I had just finished student teaching, and I didn't yet have a job. It was January, and I knew I would spend the rest of the school year substitute teaching, and applying for jobs in the different districts. I bought my house under a no income document loan. I had money from my other house, and so the bank gave me the loan. My ignorance was more concerned about the loan, than how I would continue to pay for the house! I was absolutely positive I would get a job! No question. I went on interview after interview. I treated the job market like a smorgasbord. Job offers popped up, but I turned one or two down. Too far away from the girls, or not the right assignment. August came- I did not have a job! I panicked. I freaked out. I began to scramble. It seemed that somehow the confidence I had and the certainty I felt diminished quickly in the face of reality, and my pending house payment. Success still happened though- in the best way, and perfect way for my family. On all those previous job offers I knew my goal. I knew the right job would appear if I chose not to settle- but then I let fear seep in. I ended up getting the perfect job, and things went my way. I tell the story to others, about my job entrance of my now ten year long career, as a miracle; a gift. I look back and think how crazy it seemed to buy a house without a job and others have even highlighted the insanity- but ignorance was a blessing for me then, and it will be again now. This is a good reminder for me. I need to not panic. I'm going down an unmarked journey that probably seems insane to most. It's a long shot. It's a gamble. But in my own mind I have to know the goal, and the intent is not to throw my life away. My intent is to challenge myself and live more fully. My intent is like it has always been- even with the house, and the job. It's about my family, and about a life style fit.
I am writing something I am unfamiliar with, and I am venturing into an unfamiliar dream. Even in this unfamiliarity, the goal seems right for me. I don't feel off my rocker- but then again, I never do. I guess not knowing what I am up against is the key. I'm probably the perfect one for this journey, considering how ignorant I can be. After all- when everyone else kept calling me brave to take my road trip- didn't I find out that all it was was stupidity? So ignorance will reign again, and somehow seem like courageous and brave. Mr. Twain would be so proud.
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